Saturday, January 4, 2014

The Lie



"I'm fine." 

Those two words comprise the world's most common lie. Especially for someone with depression.

Someone like me. 

Over the last decade or so, I've mastered the happy face. It comes in handy when you're a mom of three, expected to volunteer for class parties and fundraising events. Handier still when you must join your husband at company functions. No one wants to mingle with a woman who's slumped over and crying in the corner. 



Mom with my new baby girl
December 2001


What I didn't realize after having my first child is that I probably had post-partum depression. I wish I had seen the signs and sought help back then, but I thought all the stress and tears were just a result of sleep deprivation and worrying about my firstborn. If I'd have sought help early on, I might have been better able to handle my mom's diagnosis of terminal lung cancer that same year and her death a mere 10 months later.

I was a wreck when she died. A young first-time mother suddenly without her mother there for support and guidance. Yet over the course of the next decade, I toughed it out, had two more kids and started a writing career. 

By that time, I had gotten incredibly good at answering "Hi, how are you?" with "I'm fine" when in fact, I was anything but fine inside. The worst thing was, I became a total Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. It told myself it's just temporary. You can pull yourself out of it. I managed to keep my family going, write two books, blog and attend book signings while hiding behind that fake smile and that lie: "I'm fine."

The inner dialogue grew more ugly over time. You're just being lazy, lying there in bed trying to avoid your responsibilities. You could get up and be normal if you wanted to. But you don't want to, do you? You know how pathetic and worthless you are, so why bother? Nobody wants you around anyway.

Depression put on a great act, but like all charades, the act was eventually identified about a year and a half ago. At the urging of my husband and my own realization that lying in bed half the day crying for no good reason is NOT normal, I sought help. Despite my fears that my doctor would just laugh at me and say it was normal for a mom of my age to feel like this, she totally understood and wrote me a low-dose depression medication. She also recommended a counselor. 

Scared as I was to commit to any sort of chemical intervention or to spill my troubles on a therapist's couch, I took her advice. Within a month of taking the medication, I felt surprisingly better. I was able to think clearly for the first time in a long time. I was able to start setting goals again and work toward completing them without the infernal self-hatred telling me I couldn't succeed at anything. 

And to spite it all, I finished a book that had been buried under depression for too long. That third book in my Tallenmere series, Hearts in Exile, was published this June. I've written two children's books that are with an agent who's working hard to find a publisher for them. I won NaNoWriMo by writing 50,000 words on another novel I'd barely started a couple years ago. That one, a historical romance, will be finished this coming year, and if I play my cards right, I'll finish the fourth Tallenmere series book too. Besides the writing, I'll be starting a job as an editor atFirst Page Last Page and will probably be a class mentor again in the free six- week online writing course, F2K (at Writers Village University)


The road isn't smooth just yet. I've had to work with my doctor to find the right medication and dosage for me. I still have to be careful to not bite off more than I can chew. Learning my depression triggers, like taking on too many responsibilities at once, is very important in preventing the setbacks.

I'm thankful to Amy for inviting me to share my experience here. It feels good to open up about it among people who understand. I hope our stories will inspire others who are dealing with mental illnesses to seek help and know that they are not alone. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes we just need a little help in getting there.

10 comments:

  1. There you go, sis. Breathing is an important element as well. In other words, keep the Main Thing, the Main Thing. Grats on your publications, and we'll be seeing you round CC, eh?

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    1. Thanks Cyrus! Yes, I've already made plans to join up with two previous critique partners on CC in February. Can't wait :)

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  2. Way to go Mysti! Depression can be overcome and the world has waited long enough for your talents already. :)

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    1. Thank you Rose! You're right. I've compared depression to being tied with barbed wire. Once you're caught up in it, the more you struggle, the more it hurts.

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  3. Awesome that you not only found the courage to help yourself, but that you can share this to help others out as well. I'm impressed!

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    1. Thank you Robynn! I hope others who are suffering with depression will be encouraged to seek help and those who are not will be more supportive to those who are going through it.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your story. I think a lot of people feel this way, they don't want to be a bother so they suffer alone, but it really makes a difference once you get some help. Doesn't have to be life threatening to ruin your life.

    mood
    Moody Writing

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by to comment, Mooderino! Been too long since I've visited your wonderful blog. I'd highly recommend all of you to follow Moody Writing--it's a wonderful resource for all kinds of writing-related topics!

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  5. Glad you got the help you needed. It wasn't until I went into the hospital for a whole week over the lack of sleep did I realize I could have died. My mom also passed away in 2006 and I lost my dad when he was only 49 years old.

    It's hard being the last root in the ground (grand parents gone as well), but it gets better. When you start feeling stronger when things are going badly, that's when you know you'll be OK.

    Thanks for sharing. I can relate all too well.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by, Diane! I remember you talking about losing your parents. The last root is a good analogy for me too--my grandparents are gone as is my biological father and his parents. It's been 10 years since my mom died, and now that I've got more of a handle on the depression, I am starting to feel stronger, like I'm finally becoming an "adult" in my own right :)

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